Building the Self-Esteem of Properties.


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A recent run of work inside a Ventura Boulevard real estate office brought me into the world of those listings, words and photos, meant to build the self-esteem of homes.

I speak of the Multiple Listing Service (MLS) and its breathless descriptions of current residences offered for sale.

Awkward, ill-proportioned, ungainly, ostentatious, oversized, outdated, gaudy, trendy, remodeled, modernized, updated, whatever their individual personality characteristics and physical appearance, once they had undergone descriptive transformations via agency wizardry, they each emerged as self-confident houses ready to graduate into acceptance of offer and transfer of title.

As anyone who spends time in Studio City or Sherman Oaks knows, there once existed a lovely pair of communities where tree-lined streets and charming cottages co-existed with larger and wealthier hillside homes. But lately, the obliteration and demolishing of sweet little places and the replacement of small and human with enormous and robotic, has become a frenetic, greedy and exhausting activity.

6 bedroom, 7 bath, 5,000 sf houses on 7,000 sf lots, and every single one of these places as indistinguishable as pennies in a piggy bank.

Their owners are an exotic lot of ethnicities whose names are unpronounceable but mostly sound like San Fernando Valley streets spelled backwards.

4533 Casa Grotesqua was purchased in July 2014 for $795,000 by Kraproom Namdoow and Sordec Notluf. And after a $60,000 kitchen upgrade was sold for $2.1 million to Edisrevir Yrotciv, an attorney.

 14432 Moonshine Drive, Studio City is an outstanding 2 bedroom, 1 bath house with walking closets, a two-die for pool, expansive windows overlooking bustling, sophisticated Ventura Boulevard. It was completely remodeled in 2014 by designer Enitlezah Agneuhac and features stone ground fountains, heated toilets and high security children’s playrooms monitored by close circuit cameras. It is now offered for sale at $2.1 million.

The real listings on the MLS are too grammatically mangled to reprint here. If they were homework assignments handed in to English teachers in any 7th grade class, they would all be graded F.

But why bother proof reading listings for houses selling for one, two or three million dollars?

When your mortgage is $9,000 a month, there is very little time left over for reading or writing.

5 thoughts on “Building the Self-Esteem of Properties.

  1. Your perspective is so accurate, Andrew. During the past five years, I have seen a couple dozen houses in Studio City’s “Silver Triangle” torn down and rebuilt as two-story McMansions that all look alike. I’ve read MLS listings for the past eight years in this area and the mangling of the English language has led to some funny descriptions…walking closets being one of them. Glad you caught that one. I sent it to Jay Leno to use in his “Headlines” segment several years ago. As recently as a couple of weeks ago I saw a kitchen that featured “grannit” counter tops.

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  2. Its part of the sadness of this world.

    Just looking at the photo of that beautiful, but smallish, old bungalow from perhaps circa 1940 conjures up visuals of entire neighborhoods of peaceful little similar homes with comfortable lifestyles.

    Part of the sadness is watching a huge, ugly, boxy apartment building built right next to such a home. The government “planners” and “managers” and bureaucrats who butcher the zoning laws and regulations that helped create beautiful neighborhoods are to blame. They demand “density” upon us to serve their own little political agendas which result in ugly “mixed use” blends of visual slums. They want us all to live right adjacent to “mass transit” bus yards and “lite rail” stations while they live elsewhere and deny their hand in creating such a ugly landscape. They demand that we walk while they use private vehicles to commute. (Look at all the “mass transit” workers drive into their jobs in their own cars while they demand we use their “mass transit” systems to save the world.

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