In our extended family, we generally have the dark side of things relatives and the light side of things relatives.

The light side is blonder and some of them have green or blue eyes. When you ask them how things are going, they always say, “Oh, everything is great!” They refuse to tell you when they are going into the hospital for surgery. You only find out weeks later when they have recovered and are walking around.

The dark side always is looking for something to be wrong, if not with them, then with you. “You should really be on anti-depressants,” my cousin of no medical training says.

They are constantly irritated with one another, and if they aren’t cheering for their sister to fail in business, they are pointing out how weird her kids are. They often call up with stories about how infuriating my elderly Aunt is. They make jokes out of their ailing step-father in the nursing home.

The light side sticks together even when they hate each other. One fat cousin of mine, a hausfrau from the Land of Lincoln, is hated by some for her arrogance and narrow mindedness. Yet she celebrated New Years together in Palm Springs along with four generations of family. They make lots of money in a very boring but profitable business that has been around since the Second World War. Their money is generously spent on each other. Like my Chicago cousin who rented an apartment in Rome for 10 days and invited a dozen people to come there for vacation. I’m sure nobody fought or argued in the Eternal City.

The dark side also has some wealth, but they don’t seem to enjoy it very much. They have mental illnesses and physical disabilities that come and go and infringe on what should be a gloriously lush existence of vacations, restaurants and theater going. If they are do lay on a beach, you will hear how they were bitten by stingray or twisted their ankle in the sand.

The light side has marriages that have lasted over 65 years. They fought and survived on Iwo Jima, and then they had grandkids at 50, and great-grandkids at 75. They lived to coach Little League and still laugh and make love only 15 years shy of 100.

The dark side cracked up in their 20’s, and smoked pot, and had divorce and disintegration, and a generally pessimistic view of life. They endure, but never laugh with the bitter taste of tears. The dark ones came to Hollywood in search of some grand punctuation mark in a life full of dashes and commas and run on sentences.

The light ones live in the far West corner of the San Fernando Valley, and love The Olive Garden and walking around Topangaa Plaza for exercise. They have a backyard of astroturf where the two German Shepards play and drop big brown shits around the plastic covered swimming pool. They regularly vacation in a Vegas timeshare and gamble and smoke and never get sick.

To tell you the truth, I’m a combination of both sides.